#like a perverted elephant i never forget haha

[theseptemberist]

because we're probably never going to see it tell us about "Obi-Wan's Sith House" because lol that title 😂

send me a WIP title from this list!

Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha. You’ve managed to identify perhaps my favorite concept from the “might never post” list. I took an initial stab at it a while back and I don’t love what I came up with (that’s what I get for starting with 0 plan), but I would be very very happy to scrap what I have and give it another try. 

The planned story is about a very war-weary General Skywalker getting pulled into the orbit of Sith Separatist Obi-Wan, who is doing his best to play both sides of the war and who is curious about this Chosen One who Sidious is so obsessed with. One thing leads to another, and the two wind up coming to an... agreement, of sorts. Basically, Obi-Wan passes Anakin critical classified information (to serve his own ends. obviously), in exchange for Anakin *cough* spending time with him. At, y’know, his Sith House. 

What was maybe intended as a one time thing ends up becoming a mutually beneficial but rather angsty ongoing arrangement. (I will say that while Anakin is using the double agent thing as an excuse for something he wants to do anyway and Obi-Wan would never actually coerce him, this obviously gets a big ol warning for dubcon and under-negotiated kink). Obi-Wan is not always particularly nice, but Anakin is into it and becomes way too attached. Meanwhile, Anakin’s role in Obi-Wan’s plans quietly moves from convenient tool to beloved treasured indispensable asset. 

In short, it’s an excuse to write all the Sith Obi-Wan/Jedi Anakin filth my evil little heart desires without the annoyance of what some like to call a “coherent plot.” The format I see for it is a nice little series or maybe one work of semi-connected chapters rather than a true multichap. But either way... could be fun if I ever get around to it >:)c

[jisungjuice]

8th Year Group Chat

so i started wrting this the other day when i was a bit drunk and it’s silly and very long so forgive me

draco: okay so i created this chat because we need to talk about the elephant in the room

wayne has left the chat

pansy: what’s an elephant

blaise: are you kidding

ron: it’s like a hippogriff but with no wings or beak or claws and it’s fatter and it has a trunk

hermione: that’s the worst description of an elephant i’ve ever heard

theo: how many have you heard?

hermione: shut up

draco: it’s a muggle expression pansy for fuck’s sake

lavender: spit it out malfoy

millicent: lav love, draco doesn’t spit, he likes to swallow

draco: SHUT UP

dean: LOL

seamus: POWNED!

hermione: it’s supposed to be “pwned” which it’s actually supposed to be “owned” which doesn’t meake any sense to me? why would they own you when they insult you?

daphne: oh my god

ernie: are you sure you didn’t add me by accident? this seems like a slytherdor thing

hermione: ?

pansy: slytherdor?

padma: that’s what the rest of us call it when your houses get chummy

susan: which happens more than you’d think

blaise: we do not get “chummy” with the gryffindors

seamus: we hate each other so?

anthony: yeah, you “hate” each other so much you forget everyone else exists

hannah: last weekend, who were the only ones playing truth or dare until seven am after everyone else had gone to sleep?

hermione: ...

padma: malfoy, parkinson, zabini, bullstrode, potter, weasley, granger, finnigan, and brown

millicent: not true. me and lav went to bed WAY before all those losers

ron: hey!

ernie: they can’t help it, they have to impress each other every chance they get

dean: no we don’t!

theo:...yes we do. our houses are completely disfunctional and codependent

seamus: get bent, nott

theo: make me

seamus: is that a dare?

theo: see what i mean?

hermione: someone read the psychology books i suggested

blaise: yeah, thanks a fuckton granger, now he won’t stop analyzing everything we do

draco: everyone SHUT THE FUCK UP im trying to talk about something here!

theo: you should really work those anger issues

terry: is this about the dirty dishes in the sink because if so i agree, we need to talk about it

draco: no

neville: hey everyone!

gregory: i didn’t leave those dishes!

ron: literally no one said it was you

justin: had anyone finished slughorn’s essay? i could use the help

mandy: you can borrow mine tomorrow, but i should warn you that i did it at 3am and can’t remember if it’s good or bad

draco: THIS ISNT A STUDY CHAT YOU KNOB HEADS

lisa: *sigh* hurry up and tell us, some of us have things to do

draco: right

draco: we all have to share a common room now, which means we need some ground rules so we can get along

pansy: we have ground rules, granger made that very clear in the first official 8th year weekly assembly

pavarti: yeah, we all signed the contract

draco: but i think we need to add a new rule

michael: couldn’t you just have brought it up during the next weekly meeting?

draco: no, corner, i fucking couldn’t because this is urgent and needs to be said now

tracey: daphne, did you borrow my mascara again?

susan: you could have just texted granger about the new rule

draco: NO. EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS

theo: or, you just need to be the center of attention

ron: it’s definitely that

hermione: malfoy, would you just tell us already?

terry: i’d like to add a clause that enforces the ‘keeping the dishes clean’ rule

hermione: noted

terry has left the chat

draco: people shouldn’t be able to walk around on their underpants in the common area

lisa: ?

daphne: oh my god

lavender: who does that?

seamus: i was extremely drunk and it only happened once!

dean: and i think everyone appreciated it

millicent: *gags*

ernie: weren’t you the one who convinced finnigan to remove his trousers?

millicent: ... why do you always remember everything?

draco: are you all fucking blind? this is about potter!

mandy has left the chat

neville: haha, good one malfoy

anthony: may i ask if this entire chat is an april fools joke of some kind?

blaise: draco’s entire life is a joke

gregory: *high five*

susan: malfoy, some of us have things to do

draco: for the past few days every time I go down in the mornings to make tea, potter's there without any trousers on!

pavarti: are you trying to tell us he was... naked?

draco: what?! no of course not!

rom: what's the big deal, we've all seen harry naked in the showers after a game

blaise: i must certainty haven't

lisa: neither have i

ron: well the ones who play quidditch have

hermione: i don't play quidditch and i've seen harry nude

pansy: that's because you're a pervert

neville: hermione's not a pervert!

theo: right, she's just secure in her sexuality and actually mature

padma: this is why no one likes you

blaise: yeah, because everybody loves ravenclaws

tracey: more like ravenpuffs

gregory: good one!

tracey: thanks greg

susan: malfoy i've seen harry every morning this week and never once was he naked

draco: I DIDNT SAY HE WAS NAKED

draco: he was in his underpants like the common room was some kind of french bouyeristic cabaret!

daphne: oh my god

daphne has left the chat

seamus: that... sounds amazing

seamus: can we do that?

pansy: no

lisa: no

ernie: no

millicent: if it's only the girls, yes

dean: don't worry babe, we'll do it in the gryffindor dormitories

neville: no

hermione: malfoy, harry wasn't in his underpants, he was wearing shorts

draco: what's the difference

anthony: are you kidding

anthony has left the chat

hannah: shorts go over your underpants

draco: but i could see his legs

tracey: so?

draco: I DONT WANT TO SEE POTTER'S LEGS

susan: so close your eyes for merlin's sake stop bugging everyone about it

padma: wow nott is right, malfoy has some serious anger issues

theo: oh, now you like me, patil?

padma: no

neville: that was kind of rude

ernie: see? slytherin and gryffindor always stick up for each other

michael: wait, harry isn't on this chat

draco: that's because we need to discuss this without him

susan: he's literally the only person that really needs to be in here

susan has left the chat

hermione: malfoy, we can't forbid people wearing shorts

draco: this is UNACCEPTABLE

draco: what's next? am i going to be forced to see potter shirtless just because it's hot outside?

hermione: ... i don't think so?

draco: are you saying he wouldn't do that?

draco: there's no risk of that happening?

justin: i need help with my dada homework, does anyone know where harry is? i don't care if he's wearing shorts

pansy: he's probably haunting draco's dreams

hermione: harry's sitting next to me

draco: WHAT

pavarti: oh plot twist

draco: has he been reading all of this?

hermione: no, though i did ask him if he's been walking around in his underwear which he found strange

ernie: topics of discussion for next ravenpuff meeting; new slogan, playlists for studying, and how to deal with slytherdor's sarcastic passive aggression

ernie: whoops wrong chat

seamus: ha-ha very funny macmillan

michael: they are secretly very worried that we do have meetings because they know we'd rule them if we wanted to

tracey: michael please, you would look prettier with your mouth shut

hannah: and all slytherins would look prettier with a hufflepuff on their arm but go off I guess

theo: a slytherpuff couple would have an interesting compatibility profile

blaise: then why don't you date one

theo: jealous?

dean: uh oh, trouble in paradise

dean: looks like we continue to be the best same-house couple @seamus

theo: shut it or i'll murder you in your sleep

draco: who has anger issues now?

blaise: that's my bf

ron: oi, I'm trying to see if I can defeat everyone in our year at chess, who haven't I played with?

justin has left the chat

ron: was it something i said?

millicent: you haven’t played me weasley, but that’s because i’ll destroy you

ron: you’re ON

lavender: i can’t decide if my ex and my current lover competing against each other is hot or creepy

pansy: hot

hannah: hot

lisa: hot

neville: a little creepy

draco: so how are we going to solve this potter thing? I think we all agree it's a BIG and rather disgusting problem

lisa: *eye roll*

padma: oh don't worry malfoy, we are all working very hard to ensure this gets sorted asap

draco: really?

draco: I mean... good.

draco: I think getting full access to potter's wardrobe would help

ron: i agree, i think malfoy deserves a place inside harry's closet

blaise: and vice versa

draco: what are you talking about potter's got terrible taste

lisa: and annoying too, he's got a taste for some terrible and annoying things

draco: exactly

hannah: wow you were right pansy, it's truly unbelievable

neville: and harry's even worse sometimes

dean: ugh yes, so frustrating

draco: what are you nitwits talking about?

ernie: oh, nothing really

ernie: except that we've been having another chat without you trying to work out a solution to this stupid problem

draco: what?

pavarti: @everybody NOW

lisa, millicent, lavender, ernie, blaise, michael, dean, seamus, hannah, tracey, pavarti, and neville and have left the chat

draco: WHAT

padma has added harry to the chat

padma: good luck malfoy!

padma has left the chat

gregory: oh shit are we doing this now?

gregory has left the chat

hermione: harry, malfoy here thought it was time you two had a private chat

pansy: and he thinks you've got nice legs

draco: PANSY

hermione: yes that too

hermione and pansy have left the chat

harry: what

ron: sorry mate

ron has left the chat

draco: ...

harry: so...

harry: I heard you have a problem with my shorts

draco: i do

draco: they're bloody distracting

harry: okay

harry: maybe if you weren't such a prick you'd be able to mind your own business

draco: shut up potter

draco: wanna go to the lake this weekend?

harry: ...okay?

draco: it's gonna be a hot day

draco: so

draco: just saying you should dress accordingly

harry: :)

theo: it's interesting that our year has a higher than average amount of non-heterosexual people. potter, what would you say has defined your sexuality the most? a) epigenetics, b) environment, c) upbringing

harry: what the fuck

draco: theo, fuck off

theo has left the chat

draco: :)